Day Three: Something You Have to Forgive Yourself For

I am a perfectionist. In fact, I will admit to having OCD when it comes to a lot of things in my life. When I screw something up or the end results are not what I want them to be, I dwell on it forever. I berate myself for being an idiot, who can't ever do things right. When I have a bad day at work, I feel like an incompetent fool who can't do her job to save her life. When my house isn't spotless, I feel like a slob who can't get it together. If someone comes over to my house and I don't have appetizers and beverages to offer, I feel like a failure. If my outfit isn't just right, I feel ugly and inadequate. The list goes on and on.

I need to forgive myself for not being perfect. I need to stop trying so damn hard to be perfect. I need to accept my flaws and realize that my friends are much more understanding and not as judgmental as I imagine them to be. Because they are (understanding) and they're not judgmental. It is me, it is my own messed up head that dwells on the negative. Somebody get me out of my head, would ya?

So, self, I am sorry, you are not perfect. Apology accepted?

Day Two: Something I Love About Myself

I can say this with my head held high..... I love that I am FIERCELY independent. I have been on my own my whole life. I don't mean without friends or family, I have those and love and cherish them dearly, yes. What I mean is I have always been an "I" and never a "We".

Sure, it gets lonely. It is hard when you go out to eat with all your couple friends and you are the only one not splitting the bill with someone- for some reason this is when I always really notice that I am single. It sucks when you are trying to set up a Christmas tree all by yourself (seriously, try that sometime, not a one person job). It is hard to move furniture up and down the stairs by yourself. It is annoying when you are the one who has to clean, cook and mow the lawn on your weekends.

BUT..... I love that I don't have to check in with someone when I make a decision. Sure, not all my decisions are wise or healthy, but I have nobody to blame but myself. I made the choice. If I decide at 10:00 p.m. on a Friday night that I want to drive to Vermont for the weekend, I can do it. I don't have to worry about what someone has to do or what they want to do. This is a good feeling.

I love that I moved to Oregon by myself and found a home and a job all by myself. And when the time came, I packed my car and drove back East all by myself.

I love that I am successful in my career and that I own my home and nobody else contributed to these things. I did it on my own.

This girl takes care of herself- because who else will?

Day One: Something You Hate About Yourself

Well geesh, I could go with the obvious. I hate that I gained back all of the weight (plus a little more, if I am being completely honest) that I lost five years ago. I hate that I can't seem to stick to a work out routine. I hate that I can eat a gallon of Ben and Jerry's while watching an episode of Glee and not even notice that. But come on.... all that is too obvious.

What I really hate is that sometimes I have no filter. I react with my emotions and not my brain. I say things that later, when I reflect back on it, I really, really wish I hadn't said.

I hate that other times I never say what I really feel and instead bottle it up inside.

As I think about these two ideas, I realize that it really comes down to this:

I hate that I care so much what other people think of me.

And with that, I am not going to say anything else because I want you to still like me.

30 Days of Truth

I've seen this going around on different blogs and thought it might get me back to blogging. Thirty topics, thirty posts. We'll see how it goes. Some seem to me like I might just be repeating myself, so I may skip a few here and there. It is a start though in terms of getting me writing again and I have been missing that.

1. Something you hate about yourself.
2. Something you love about yourself.
3. Something you have to forgive yourself for.
4. Something you have to forgive someone else for.
5. Something you hope to do in your life.
6. Something you hope you never have to do in your life.
7. Someone who has made your life worth living for.
8. Someone who has made your life hell.
9. Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.
10. Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know.
11. Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
12. Something you never get compliments on.
13. A band or artist who has gotten you through some tough ass days (write a letter)
14. A hero that has let you down (letter)
15. Someone or something you couldn't live without it (you have tried to live without it)
16. Someone or something you could definitely live without
17. A book you've read that changed your views on something.
18. Your views on gay marriage
19. Your views on religion or politics
20. Your views on drugs and alcohol
21. (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two just got into a fight an hour ago. What do you do?
22. Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.
23. Something you wish you had done in your life.
24. Make a playlist for someone and why you chose those songs.
25. The reason you believe you're still alive today
26. Have you ever thought about giving up on life? Is so, when and why?
27. What is the best thing going for your right now?
28. If you were pregnant right now, what would you do?
29. Something you hope to change about yourself and why?
30. A letter to yourself. Tell yourself everything you love about yourself.

Serious Drought

Well folks, it has been a LONG ASS time since I have blogged. Why, you may ask? Well I took a serious hiatus from the dating realm. I just was having a hard time with going on lots of bad dates or going on a pretty decent date and then being rejected. This dating thing is freaking excrutiating, let me tell you.

But then I realized, sitting at home not dating, hasn't really made my situation any better now has it? Last night I spend over an hour filling out Eharmony's ninety million questions. I haven't actually subscribed. I am going to think about it for a few days before I commit to a three month membership.

Am I ready for this again?

Always Go With Your Gut Instincts

So take two didn't quite pan out. I knew the moment I saw him face to face it wasn't going to work out and was tempted to just say, "No thanks" and jump back in my car, but I thought "hey, give the guy a chance".

Ugh.

He is bitter. Whiny. And did I mention he is 44 and unemployed. Oh yes, he has been out of work for the past four months so he can ski. Ski! Really? Sure at 24 this makes sense. But 44? Really? Dude, grow up and get a fucking job. Sorry, but come on- 44 and a ski bum? I can't handle that.

Now I know. Always go with your gut. And if your gut tells you he's a loser, he's probably a loser.

Take Two

A while back I had met this guy on match and we had made plans to go out for a couple of drinks. He called me the night before and bailed on our date, saying he had been working late days all week and was really tired and didn't think he was up to it. I was kind of pissed off for all of about five seconds and then thought to myself, whatever. So the night of our planned date I went out and bought myself some clothes (because that's what I do) and let it go. I get home to find like three messages from him- he had gotten out of work early and wanted to go out. He called my cell phone twice and my home phone once and left me an email. His email was to the tune of "What the fuck, I left three messages?". So I responded with, "Dude, we had plans, you cancelled, I made new plans. End of story." And I left it at that.

Over the past few months I have received random emails from this guy from time to time. A picture. A comment. Even a poem once. I never really responded to any of them, but it was kind of nice knowing someone was thinking of me. Then after my boring letdown date with McArty I emailed him back with a "hey, let's get together sometime."

He called me last night and we talked for 45 minutes. It was actually a pretty good conversation. I was pretty funny, if I do say so myself. And it was comfortable, natural. So we have plans to do something tonight.

Here's to second chances.